The Weight of a Wedding

This past Saturday I was a groomsmen for my stepbrother's wedding. I can officially say that I now love weddings! I've always been a romantic at heart, and as I grow I think about marriage more and more. How great would it be to find that one person? That person that you can love in a God honoring way. I think that we are all searching for that person in one way or another. But something that my stepbrother taught me is that this process takes time. I realize that I am young and that my dreams are big (maybe too big). I want to fill these dreams in an amazing way and I want to start now. Yet something that I have learned is that God works in processes. He could have made the world in one day yet He chose to do it in seven. I also learned that the wait is worth it. I had the chance to watch the new couple dance together. I stood there in awe of a genuine love. It is incredible to see something so authentic and beautiful. It was strange but you knew that they were just right for one another. It seemed to be so perfect that only God himself could have crafted the moment. It seemed even the music was only written so that it could be played at that time. And maybe that is what marriage is. Maybe it is something that God shapes with care, and designs in the most beautiful of ways. Marriage is one of the beauties of creation. Just as we look on starry nights and sunsets and think "Look how beautiful God has made this!", we can also look at marriage. A beautiful puzzle pieced together slowly by a graceful hand. I watched my brother Anthony grow from a college student, to someone in the work force, to finally a husband. Now I find myself in the same situation that Anthony was in when I met him so long ago. In retrospect that time soared by. So I guess I just need to wait. 10 years, 20 years, maybe 30 if ever. So I advise all you who are weary in the great search for your significant other to be patient. We cannot see the whole picture. All we know is a few pieces of the puzzle that appear pointless and dull. Trust that God will reward your patient heart. That perfect moment will come when we realize the beauty of love. We will see one of the most beautiful things to be created. Take heart in that.

"Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

Full Day Water Fast

How did this start?

For some time now I have been seriously considering a fast. Now, it was not because I wanted to loose weight or because I wanted to challenge myself in a physical way. I just sort do felt a pull to do it. It started with a curiosity in the benefits of fasting. From there, it grew into a desire to try it. During the previous month, lessons in bible studies just so happened to be targeted on a fast, I was even introduced to a new friend and she just so happened to be fasting! I started to realize that God was calling me to fast. I still don't know why but I couldn't let this chance to become intimate with God pass. So I have started out on a full day fast (only water). I will continue to pray about it and see if God wants me to continue.

Wednesday 12:30 p.m:

So this experience is a unique one. Every time my stomach reminds me that I am hungry I remember that I am fasting. This constantly directs my attention towards God. It is a great thing to just be in constant prayer. This morning I decided to write a reminder on my hands. I wrote "F4G" on both hands. It stands for "Fast for God". It might sound silly but it is helpful. If I ever decide to hold food I will see F4G and it will direct my heart to God.This morning, I had work as a playground leader. Today was Christmas in July. Denying food was tough especially when I was handed cookies! How in the world could I not accept? So they are in my fridge, and they are waiting. I plan to make them wait. I am currently reading an online fasting journal. It is a set of devotionals for fasting. After reading Joshua 22-23 I am refreshed with the idea that God gave us all things including food. When we make food our priority (or anything other than God) we put God in second place. Let's be honest sometimes He is even third, or fourth. So today I am learning that God is the greatest priority because he created all other priorities. He created food, family, love interests, and socializing.

The Heart of Life

So today I received news at school that a fellow class mate, Brad Morgan has passed away. It was an email read to the class that was to inform us of his passing. Initially I started to scan the room that had fell silent. I saw faces stricken with shock and tears. In all honesty, I had not really spoken to Brad since 9th grade other than sharing the experience of being the only two people in jazz class who could not read music. Yet, I could not help but realize that in some strange way I felt connected to him in that moment. The library was offered as a gathering place for friends to gather and grieve. I considering going to console classmates; but I stayed in my seat. I don't know why I didn't go. Maybe I felt it was not my place, or maybe because I wanted to see if I could reconnect with him in some abstract way.

As the day went on, I pondered on life and what the loss of one life means for the others connected to it. So this is what I have come up with. For the record, these are just my reflections, they are not an assertion of truth, malice, or a self-centered monologue. From the various Facebook posts, donation ideas, and simple talk of love I have begun to notice a change. In my classmates I am seeing a development of charter and a softening of the heart. I like to think that in some way Brad was apart of all our lives at some point. This interaction could be a chain of reactions or a simple conversation. His heart gave life to ideas, situations, and friendship. That is one of the beauties of human life. In the end it is not assessed on some rubric, it is not pinned to its discoveries, and it surely isn't watered down to nothing. Brad's death created love. I believe that there is some truth there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is precious. It is cherished by the ones who love you in the beginning, and cherished by the ones touched by your love in the end. I think, we all want to be great. We desire attention, stature, and power. But at the very soul of the human condition, at the very heart of this life is love. It is rooted tin the deepest of places and is stored in the hardest of hearts. Brad showed me today that we are remembered in love. But, we are not remembered in love because we want to be remembered for our own deeds. We love because someday we want that love to be resurfaced in our remembrance.

Thank you Brad,
Rest in piece

Song of Songs 8:6-7
"...for love is as strong as death,
       it's jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like a blazing fire,
       like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love;
       rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
       all the wealth of one's house for love,
       it would be utterly scorned."

Illustrator :)

Painting with Words- NIKE Paint

Painting With Words - Colbie Caillat

Painting With Words - Green Lantern

Rushing In

Have you ever noticed that some themes have a way of spreading themselves over your life? You know, when something like honesty is seen in your own set of problems, and a friends set of problems, and in global problems? Well I have taken note that a theme of "rushing things" has been apparent. I've been rushing my college decisions, my relationships, and my goals. I am also watching close friends do similar things.

As a culture we are pressed to do everything as fast as possible and as efficient as possible. We always have to finish first, be independent, and climb as high as we can. Yet all of this running around only makes things harder. I'm beginning to find that I've been treating life like a race, a race with misguided process. I have been trying to make things happen so fast that I cannot even find the time to truly search my own heart. The opportunity to be successful is a beautiful thing if it is treated right.

Today, even relationships are rushed to the point of breaking. I am seeing that I'm so eager to find lasting relationships that often miss the lasting ones I've created. And I think all this frantic searching and confusion makes us want things we cant have. Whether we are rushing and want that job, friend, or person we can't have. Or maybe you want to buy that guitar, car, or other thing. Some times it helps to just slow down, and take a breath. So don't just rush into things, there is so much time and so much to see. The big things in life like marriage, independence, responsibility, and other big steps will come to you. Just make sure you have both feet on the ground when they hit.

What's your best memory?

So these past few weeks have been pretty crazy. I've been on the hunt for scholarships in order to lessen the blow of financial devastation that is college. Most of these scholarships are essays which ask for life stories, solutions to a variety of problems, and evaluating importance in certain fields of interest. My latest essay is one on memories. The question is, "What is your most precious memory?". I've been asked to sort through 18 years of events in order to find one that stands out. So off I went scouring through endless places in my life. 

Some memories were of striking simplicity. There was the summers I've spend with friends as we traveled the neighborhood. I've spent my summers playing games, sports and building relationships. These summers have been wonderful and constant. Even now they are similar, I still sit outside with friends and reflect. Then there are vacations with friends. There is the beach which is a very high point in my summers. The blue skies, and bright sand. There is always that feeling of unbreakable peace when I sit on the shore.

Family vacations came in to my mind. I'll never forget the cruise trips I went on and met people from all over the world. The very memory made me feel happy and bright. I still remember being on that ship at midnight and looking out at an endless sight. Then I pictured my trip to Haiti and the things that happened there. How I had so much fun with the children, and how great they were. So many people's lives were touched, and mine was changed forever.

Yet still I could not find the highest mark. There was no clear winner to take the prize of "best". Then I started to pick up these pieces in my life and fit them together. I took summers, winters, Maryland, and Haiti. I fit together weddings, dates, love and friendship to find what I had been missing. It wasn't the individual pieces of delight that were best. For me, there is no best memory, but the architectural masterpiece that these pieces create. The thing I had been scouring for was my life, and the people in it. So don't rank the best parts of your life on a scale. Remember that every memory that you treasure is just a part of a greater work of art.

The Ideal or The Ignorant?

So, I've realized something as I have reflected on my reflections (and yes I know that sounds weird). I've realized that almost all of my memories are idealized. They hold an entirely good or bad feeling. There is never a middle ground. The good memories become perfect as my mind shapes and mold them over time. For a long time I have despised this. It is like my mind is hiding the truth, that even though I know the situations are not as bright as my mind reconstructs I cannot remember the flaws. For instance, it is fair to say a lot of people have "the one that got away". I believe that the person who got away is idealized. Not because we choose to do it but because of ignorance. Think about it, the person gets away before we really know them. This may not be true for everyone, but it is for me. For me there are a few people that I didn't get the chance to fully know. One of those people was a girl. The time we spent together was like cinematic perfection. Then she left for another state, and out of fear I chose not to get to know her before she left. So from then on she remained faultless to me. I never had time to find a flaw, and she made her best impression. But ignorance can be bliss. Just because we didn't get the time we wanted doesn't mean all is lost. I look at it like this, two people shared a great time. That other person is perfect; everything they did made you happy. So in your mind that person and those memories are flawless. That thought, that feeling, can never be tarnished. Whether those moments were love, friendship, they are perfect and will always remain that way. So be confident in that, and the fact that the ideal can be good and ignorance can be bliss. 

A Love Unknown

A summer’s night seemed never so bright

A love unknown in the middle of the night

I looked into your eyes and saw the life that was a lie

A daydream that seemed to pass me by.

A love unknown is a lover’s lonely stone

A love unknown is a harvest never sewn

And as I watch you pace my dreams

and as I watch your green eyes gleam

I see a love I would only hope to have known

We walked for hours but waited for days

We took walks on the beach and soaked in the rays

But even the sun could tell that he was no more than a love withheld

A lovely dream simply put on a shelf

But ignorance is bliss and I was wrapped in ecstasy

I marveled at the thought of you sinking in right next to me

Yet all the while, the tides of life conspired in the endless sea

I watched you leave your home for a life unknown

And I stood in awe of a glass heart that had been thrown

A love unknown is all we would ever be.

An unknown love lost in a raging sea

I painted matrimony on a canvas dry and lonely

I built us a home out of dreams marked as phony

A love unknown is a daydream never achieved

A fictitious reality built out of steam.

A love unknown is a door never fully closed

A love unknown is never truly shown

A love unknown is like water in your hands

It seeps through the cracks of a grip strong as land

And in the waning evening my heart starts the dreaming,

You and I are sleeping in the sand.

We are more in love than the moon and sun can stand.

The tide rolls in and you are in my arms again.

A love unknown was present even then.

Yet in the breaking crest of a sunset full of fantasy

I see you, me, and our very own family

A love unknown lies in the Florida stone

While northern skies sit all alone

A love unknown is as cold as snow

A love unknown is the only love we’ll know